A therapist teaches us how to deal with ghosting in a productive, healthy way.
Being ghosted is the worst. And while it often feels as though you caused it, we’re here to tell you that more often than not, it’s not really about you.
Below, learn more about how this modern scenario gained traction, the psychological effects of ghosting, and what to do when you get ghosted.
What is ghosting?
If youβve never experienced ghosting firsthand, you might think itβs a trendy way to celebrate Halloween. But in reality, the term speaks to the spooky act of fully up and leaving a relationship without a word. According to NYC-based therapist Risha Nathan, LCSW, HHC, the term ghosting first appeared once online dating started to flourish. And it makes sense. After all, when youβre only chatting on an app, itβs easy to stop communicating without another trace. Nevertheless, while ghosting is often associated with dating, Risha says it can also apply to friendships, working relationships, and more. βThis has become extremely prevalent, at least partially due to the nature of the way we exist currently,β she explains. βOur society is breeding avoidant behaviorsβlike not communicating feelings or working through issuesβbut instead deciding that itβs much easier to just leave.β Which leads us to todayβs discussion…WHAT DOES GHOSTING DO TO A PERSON?
Part of knowing how to deal with being ghosted is understanding its effect in the first place. After all, it can be quite jarring. βIn the best-case scenario, a person may have the confidence to decide that theyβre better off without a person who’s comfortable just leaving without a conversation,β Risha says. However, in the worst cases, she says that ghosting can feel very personal. βFor some, being ghosted is a reinforcement of their worth (or lack thereof) that can cause a lot of pain and shame,β she explains. Itβs within those worst-case scenarios that ghosting is especially detrimental. βPeople often look for the βwhysβ in situations where they feel abandoned,β Risha continues. And while seeking out information can be useful, when it comes to ghosting, she says that you already have all the information you need. No doubt, ghosting can be painfulβbut it should be a reminder of what you donβt want in your life, not a trigger to wonder whatβs wrong with yourself. (Easier said than done, we know.)How to Deal with Ghosting
As difficult as being ghosted can be, Risha says that itβs important not to try not to attach meaning to someone elseβs behavior.Set Realistic Expectations
With that in mind, instead of dwelling on the ghosting situation, remind yourself that the goal is availability and consistencyβnothing less. And staying true to that idea, she says itβs best not to reach out.Let Them Go
βAs tempting as it may be to continue to reach out, donβt,β she urges. βLet people go. You canβt keep them.β That said, if they return and want to offer an explanation for their behavior, thatβs okay. Just make sure to keep your guard up so you wonβt get sucked back into their inconsistency.Stay As Neutral As Possible
Part of keeping your guard up is knowing how to respond if and when a ghoster returns. βWhen thinking about telling someone that they hurt you or did something wrong, make sure to check in to see what your agenda is,β Risha says. βIf thereβs a need to let someone know how much damage you feel because you think it may elicit a guilt response or make someone like you, hold off. While itβs important to express feelings, if thereβs a specific outcome desire attached to that expression, it can end up being problematic.β In that way, when it comes to how to get over being ghosted, Risha says itβs all about managing expectations.Final Thoughts
As painful as ghosting may feel in the moment, it may actually be a blessing in disguise. So, in the interim, Risha says to take some alone time and know that itβs not your fault. βYou’re not to blame for other peopleβs behavior, nor do you have control over it,β she reminds us. Keeping that in mind, use your time post-ghosting more wisely and focus on yourself instead of the other person. βCheck in on your self-esteem and self-worth. Make conscious choices to be around people who offer love and support that feels encouraging,β Risha suggests. And, if any of those people feel unavailable even sans ghosting, she recommends considering closing the door yourself.More like this